We get nervous about an upcoming work presentation and then lament our lack of confidence. We get mad at our partner and then feel guilty for our impatience. Our emotions undoubtedly influence our well-being – but recent research suggests that how we judge and react to these emotions can affect us even more.
In a study published last month in the journal Emotion, researchers found that people who usually judge negative feelings – such as sadness, fear and anger – as bad or inappropriate had more symptoms of anxiety and depression. and feel less satisfied with their lives than people who generally view their negative emotions in a positive or neutral light.
The findings add to a growing body of research that indicates people do better when they accept their unpleasant emotions as appropriate and healthy, rather than trying to fight or suppress them.
“A lot of us have this implicit belief that emotions themselves are bad, they’re going to do something bad to us,” said Iris Mauss, a social psychologist who studies emotions at the University of California, Berkeley and co. – author of the new study. But most of the time, she says, “emotions don’t do harmful things.”
“It is actually the judgment that ultimately causes the suffering.”
Why judging your feelings can backfire
When we perceive our emotions as bad, we pile more bad feelings on top of existing ones, which makes us feel even worse, said Emily Willroth, a psychologist at Washington University in St. Louis and co-author of the new study. It is likely to increase both the intensity of our negative feelings and the length of time we suffer from them. Instead of having a feeling that naturally passes after a few minutes, “you might be brooding over it an hour later,” she said.
Avoiding or suppressing feelings can also be counterproductive. In a small clinical trial, researchers asked people to put one of their hands in an ice water bath and either accept their pain sensations or suppress them. Those who tried to suppress their feelings reported more pain and could not endure the freezing water for as long as those who accepted their discomfort. Other research has linked emotional suppression to an increased risk of mental health problems, such as depression and anxiety.
“What you resist, persists,” said Amanda Shallcross, a naturopathic physician who studies emotion regulation at the Cleveland Clinic. When you avoid your emotions, “you’re linked to longer-term negative mental and physical health.”
Research also suggests that if you have a habit of judging your emotions negatively, you may become more upset when faced with a stressful situation. In a 2018 study, Dr. Mauss and his colleagues asked individuals whether they tend to accept their emotions or judge them as bad. Then they asked the subjects to give a three-minute speech about their qualifications for a job – a task known to cause stress. Participants who said they were generally not accepting of their emotions reported experiencing more negative feelings while delivering the speech. In a follow-up experiment, the researchers found that subjects who generally weren’t accepting of their emotions reported poorer psychological well-being and had more symptoms of depression and anxiety six months later.
How to make peace with your feelings
First, remember that unpleasant feelings are part of the human experience. “No emotion is inherently bad or inappropriate,” Dr. Willroth said. Negative feelings can even be used for something, she added. “Anxiety can help you cope with a potential threat, anger can help you defend yourself, and sadness can signal to others that you need their social support.”
When you get a bad feeling, you don’t have to like the feeling, just try to feel neutral about it. The new study found that people who reacted neutrally were just as psychologically healthy as those who reacted more positively. Dr. Shallcross suggested approaching the feeling with curiosity and “using your body and your experience as a laboratory: ‘What’s in here?'”
It can also be helpful to remember that this feeling won’t last forever. “Emotions are usually short-lived – and so if we let them pass, they will often resolve themselves within seconds or minutes,” Dr. Willroth said.
Practice and experience can also facilitate emotional acceptance. Emotional well-being increases with age, and Dr. Shallcross’s research found that this may be partly because people are generally more accepting of their emotions as they age.
It is important to note that accepting emotions is different from accepting situations that cause bad emotions. “When we talk about accepting feelings, people often hear, ‘Oh, you should just be complacent,'” said Brett Ford, a psychologist at the University of Toronto who studies how people deal with their emotions. But that’s not the right conclusion, she said. On the contrary, emotional acceptance could facilitate change: if we don’t focus our time and energy on criticizing our feelings, we have more time and energy to improve our lives and change the world.
