Hedberg’s comedy was based on short, memorable one-liners filled with absurdity. He died in 2005 of a drug overdose. George Carlin is often listed among the greatest comedians of all time and was a counterculture voice in the 60s and 70s. Later in life, his comedy evolved into a nihilistic critique of American life which, for many, is still relevant today.
“It’s called ‘The American Dream’ because you have to be asleep to believe it,” Carlin said.
Here are 21 of the funniest and most poignant quotes from a comedian shared on the AskReddit forum.
1.
Jabazaba wrote:
“Every time you clog the toilet, you exceed someone’s expectations.” – Unknown
2.
ShofarD**kSwordFight wrote:
“Everyone thinks he’s an actor. Especially in my job.” —Norm Macdonald
It comes from Macdonald’s memoir, “Based on a True Story”, a must-read for Norm fans. My favorite thing about this line is that it was kind of a random throwaway, almost an afterthought, because it expressed contempt for a doctor who told a joke and made everyone in the room laugh .
And that doctor joke? It was the story of Macdonald’s moth.
3.
NotoriousREV wrote:
“I am not an adventurous person. I’ve only ever used one side of a cheese grater. —James Acaster
4.
TheZMage wrote:
“I started cooking with wine. It looks so chic, cooking with wine. What I do is get drunk and cook rice. I say to my friends “come, I cook with wine”. They come, I’m drunk and there’s rice everywhere. —Kevin Nealon
5.
Biggoofydoofus wrote:
“How does it feel to have four children? Imagine drowning, and someone hands you a baby.” —Jim Gaffigan
6.
Mysterious-Judge-333 wrote:
“I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.” —Mitch Hedberg
7.
SalveBrutus wrote:
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you make too much money.” —Robin Williams
8.
NecroeJoe wrote:
“I don’t like country music, but I don’t want to put down people who like it. And for people who like country music, to put down means ‘to put down’.” —Bob Newhart
9.
KingNewbie wrote:
“People say someone has lost their battle with cancer. But if someone dies of cancer, the cancer also dies. I would call it a draw. —Norm MacDonald
ten.
ElvishMystical wrote:
“You can fool some people all the time, and all people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States.” — Spike Milligan
11.
Active Oppressor wrote:
“When you’re on fire and running down the street, people get out of your way.” —Richard Prior
12.
Buttflakes27 wrote:
“I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof pounding. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.” —Emo Phillips
13.
ZorroMeansFox wrote:
“Outside a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside a dog, it’s too dark to read.” —Groucho Marx
14.
Mikethereddit wrote:
“I didn’t want to be drunk in public. I wanted to be drunk in a bar. They THROWED me down in public.” —Ron White
15.
Heckhammer wrote:
“I know I’m getting old, my last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire!” —Rodney Dangerfield
16.
OneFingerIn wrote:
“Think how stupid the average person is and realize that half of them are dumber than that.” —George Carlin
17.
SoftwareAlert7192 wrote:
“When you have a career, there’s not enough time in the world…when you have a job, there’s too much time.” —Chris Rock
18.
Megsy73_Idgaf
“She’s had enough plastic surgery that when she crossed her legs her mouth popped open.” —Joan Rivers
19.
NotaDogIswear wrote:
“Nationalism does nothing but teach you to hate people you’ve never met and to be proud of accomplishments you haven’t been part of.” —Doug Stanhope
20.
freedomdeliverus wrote:
“The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go there, you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, spins and spins, it has thrills and chills, and it’s very colorful, and it’s very loud, and it’s fun for a while.
A lot of people have been on the ride for a long time, and they start to wonder, ‘Hey, is this real or is this just a ride?’ And other people have remembered, and they’re coming back to us and saying, ‘Hey, don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because it’s only a ride.
And we… kill these people.
‘Shut him up! I invested a lot in this carousel, shut up! Look at my worry lines, look at my big bank account, and my family. It must be real.
It’s just a trick. But we always kill the good guys who try to tell us that, have you ever noticed that? And let the demons run wild… But it doesn’t matter, because it’s just a ride.
And we can change it at any time. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no money saved. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, shut up. Instead, the eyes of love see us all as one.
Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, towards better driving. Take all that money we spend every year on arms and defenses and spend it instead on feeding, clothing and educating the world’s poor, which it would pay many times over, not one human being outcast, and we could exploring space, together, inside and out, forever, in peace.” —Bill Hicks